


Enough.

by the_secret_wordsmith



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Canon Compliant, Drabble, Everyone Needs A Hug, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Wordcount: 500-1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26427712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_secret_wordsmith/pseuds/the_secret_wordsmith
Summary: When news reaches Remus and Sirius of Harry's encounters with dementors in Little Whinging, they both fall apart. Sirius gets mad, angry and passionate, whilst Remus –Remus realises a long-ignored truth about love and war; and how maybe the man he loves is just not enough anymore.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23
Collections: Quote Prompt Memes





	Enough.

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [CherryBombx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryBombx/pseuds/CherryBombx) in the [quoteonlyprompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/quoteonlyprompts) collection. 



> Prompt was dialogue: “It is not enough to be yourself. You of all people should know that by now...”
> 
> This prompt was brilliant, thank you @CherryBombx. It really helped me write some proper angst, though it's intense so heads up for that. Look after yourselves guys, maybe grab some chocolate? xo

**Enough.**

The fire crackled in the grate and the kitchen at number twelve Grimmauld Place looked eerie in the flame-light.

Sirius had finished talking now, breathing heavily from the exertion, no doubt, of feeling things so strongly all the time. Remus stared at him over the rim of his whiskey glass. Sirius's passion was beautiful: it was, after all, why Remus loved him so completely and unconditionally.

But right now he didn't feel passionate or hopeful or defiant. Right now, Remus Lupin felt dread, heavy and horrid against his chest. Harry had been attacked by dementors in Little Whinging. Nowhere was safe. No one was safe.

And Remus loved Sirius more than life itself, but sometimes even a love like that, even a person like Sirius, could never be enough.

“It's not enough to be yourself. You of all people should know that by now...”

The words were out of his mouth before his brain could check them. Sirius's chair squeaked as he physically moved himself away, and Remus felt a pang in his stomach. What had he done? Why had he said that? It had just come out, spilling harshly from his lips as the dread turned to anger and burnt through him.

But that anger had gone now, leaving a thudding in his heart that just wouldn't stop.

“Why would you say that?”

Sirius's voice was raw. His grey eyes were wide and Remus couldn't look away. Sirius was usually the one to say things he didn't mean, words that hurt those he loved; but now Remus was doing it, and because he rarely spoke what he didn't truly mean, the words were more powerful, more dangerous. More hurtful.

“Sirius,” Remus said, voice less slurred, more sober, “I didn't meant that. I just...”

“You think I'm not enough to look after Harry.”

“Sirius...”

“No, don't do that,” Sirius shouted, hands shaking, “You think me being myself isn't enough for Harry.”

“I didn't mean for it to come out!”

“But it did,” Sirius whispered, voice low and hurt and angry. “It did Remus, because you believe it – because I was never enough for you, was I?”

“Stop it,” Remus said, shaking his head, “That's not what I meant.”

“You never forgave me for what happened with Snape, back in fifth year, did you?” Sirius's fist slammed down on the table and the whiskey bottles shivered against each other.

“I could have killed him,” Remus bit back, tears beginning to well and fall from his eyes, “I could have _killed_ him, Sirius!”

“And I can never take that back,” Sirius replied, voice soft, “Never.”

“I love you.”

How many times had Remus said those words to the man before him? But now they felt different, more ugly, as though the words spoken before them had tainted that deep truth within him.

“But I'm not enough!”

“I love you,” Remus repeated, wishing the words' power to return, and reaching out to take Sirius's hand, his arm, anything and everything that was the man across the table from him.

But Sirius pulled away and got to his feet. He lurched slightly from all the whiskey. Really, Remus thought, they should never have drunk so much in the first place; after the news came through and horror seized them, they should not have turned to alcohol.

Sirius began to pace, his strides wide and desperate.

“I'm his godfather and he belongs with me! Those bloody muggles mistreat him. He belongs with _me_.”

“You're still a wanted man.” Remus said softly, “It's not possible and you know it.”

“The ministry sent dementors for him,” Sirius cried, turning to slam his hands on the table again. “And you – of all people, _you_ – say I'm not enough!”

Remus got to his feet. He was breathing heavily as though they'd been fucking rather than fighting.

“It's not enough to be yourself,” He shouted, his temper fraying, his heart burning, “There are other things that are preventing this. That are preventing us, _us_.”

There, Remus thought: that was what this was about, wasn't it? What it was always about: the two of them, the sweet love they'd once had, and how war and mistrust and twelve bloody years in Azkaban had ripped it from their grasp.

“There are other things preventing our happy ending, Sirius!” Remus continued, scoffing helplessly at the thought: “What? You wanted us to raise Harry, get married, and live happily ever after?”

“Remus...”

Sirius was crying now, his body shaking and trembling as though it had only been yesterday he'd escaped Azkaban, rather than two years ago.

But that was it, wasn't it? It'd always be only yesterday for Sirius. It'd always be yesterday for the wrongfully convicted prisoner who'd more than paid for the crimes he'd never in a million years commit.

Yesterday, and James and Lily were being murdered by Voldemort. Yesterday, and Remus was turning away from him, thinking him the traitor. Yesterday, and he was hauled away to imprisonment with those _things._

Those things which had attacked Harry, only yesterday.

Remus loved Sirius. And Sirius loved Remus. But it wasn't enough. They weren't enough anymore. And it was slowly killing Remus that all his happiness was fading away along with the man across from him. The man he loved, who was no longer enough.

So now it was Remus's turn to slam his hand down on the table, bottles shaking fearfully.

“We're at war!” He roared, “Voldemort is back and the ministry is in denial and people are getting killed again.” Remus's throat hurt. He stared into the grey eyes of the man he loved. “There is no happy ever after here, Sirius. It's not enough. It's just not enough.”

“But I love you,” Sirius said, “And I love Harry.”

Remus shook his head, “It's just not enough.”

**Author's Note:**

> You deserve some chocolate or something nice after that.
> 
> I have some fluffier drabbles if you need them – everyone lives au/ get-together fics – and also a slow burn set during their Hogwarts years called “Its Loveliness Increases” which is much much lighter and full of Marauders' pranks and mischief. 
> 
> Take care :P


End file.
